A vial

Moved to...

2012-01-07T02:00:00.000+08:00

http://sanctityofmylife.blogspot.com/
http://sanctityofmylife.blogspot.com/
http://sanctityofmylife.blogspot.com/
http://sanctityofmylife.blogspot.com/
http://sanctityofmylife.blogspot.com/

My new blog page.
God bless you!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Loving Others

2012-01-06T02:39:00.001+08:00

Matthew 5:43-48

New International Version (NIV)

Love for Enemies

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

This is what I've learnt from my spiritual leader tonight. God just moved me so much to just speak to him about the way I worship in prayer group. It somehow just dawn on me the realisation that it was important that I speak to him, rather than to pretend everything is just normal. The one thing about me is, the way I worship is generally more "outward" and louder than others (being built in such mould in my church), but most of them in the hostel prayer group prefer the kind of absolute silence to be in tune with God (I've noticed that I was the only one worshipping my lungs out when they were all so silent)

However, my leader taught me that if what I do (i.e.: speaking through the Spirit or singing grace) would just make the corporate lose focus, I'd rather not do it, although that is my norm. Why? Because, we simply gather up for the same purpose. He taught me to be wise and humble in all my doings. So, I choose to lay down my norm, in order for everyone of us to benefit from the gathering, rather than a win-lose situation. "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Lord, I uphold Thy words in my life and I surrender my life in Thy gracious hands. Make me teachable, Lord. In Jesus' name I ask, amen.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

"Always Remain Teachable and Humble!"

2012-01-02T01:00:00.000+08:00

That was what I've heard someone in my half-dream, Mr. Samson, a miner said before we finished our conversation.

Earlier on, another person, Mr. Samuel, a guard for some London underground train, taught me this, "Do not release your visions, until you have received confirmation and answers from God. Keep praying for it, so that God shows an answer to you."

I may just say that these encounters are merely my imaginations but I would rather believe that this is indeed a spiritual intercession, or a spiritual connection with the Lord. Funny enough, I have always reminded myself to be humble and remain teachable, to grow even more, and faster than anything else but I somehow wonder, why does this line comes in again, exactly the next night when I knew of my five-fold ministry calling. True enough, today, I shared my testimony regarding my previous post to my church members during dinner and I did really learn so much that I don't know where should I start writing!

Today, after our second praise celebration, I asked David on how to start reaching out. He then taught me on a lot of things. There were many of the things he said, I did already know, but there was one thing that he said, really hit me, bullseye! He said, "Preach with love, let go of your ego. Remain teachable and humble. Remember this." David also told me one thing, which felt like a slap on my face. He told me that my say on "The Holy Spirit was feeling reluctant" was wrong and it was my own heart and my own patience that didn't push on for the complete healing to take place. "The Holy Spirit, wanted to test your patience," this was what David told me.

These are really the punch lines for the day. Indeed, God used these two "imaginery" people in my dream to teach me on certain things that my life needs to let go, needs to be repaired. Otherwise, I shall never grow. Then, Daniel started teaching already. He was telling me about our human mindset. The worldly mindset of "being influenced subconsciously". He said, there are some people do what others do, just because they don't want to be left out, whether worshipping in the worship team, or evangelising, because this is truly, not the right intention at all!

I believe he was speaking to me, indirectly, because there was once I asked him about joining the worship team, but he didn't answer. But God did tell me during that silence that he will answer my question someday. He only told me to wait. Although I didn't quite feel it that way, but perhaps, I believe in his (Daniel's) discernment of spirit which guided him in making his choices. Daniel's discernment is not by himself - it is from the Lord, and who am I to deny? Amen.

I thank God for today's dinner, which had become my punch lines for the night:
1. Influence and not be influenced.
2. For evangelists, icebreaking sessions are very vital.
3. Drop the ego. ALL of it, to serve the Lord, my God.
4. Do not argue during evangelism. It will tick people off and I will miss the chance of saving souls.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Prayers answered and Evangelising as an Evangelist

2011-12-31T22:25:00.000+08:00

Prayers answered:
Yes Lord, I thank You for such peace You have given to me today, Lord! You are truly my Rock, Jesus Christ!

So, today, guess what? Exam on New Year's Eve. Fundamentals of Accounting. I have only done the past year papers for 3 days, last week and I barely could retain any possible NEW things I've learnt, since I was so busy with other 3 subjects. In the end, I had only 1 day for each subject to revise and yesterday (Friday) I was reading ITS, and today was FOA.

All in all, I told God, "I surrender my life to You," and it was not answered. But I had faith in Him, of course. I slept at around 2am and I woke up at 10am, since my exam was on 2pm, dreaming of beautiful heavenly encounters too! So, the sleep was very comfortable and it seemed long.

When I woke up, I did what I was supposed to do by revising all of my Accounting workings and theories, expecting theories to come out like my previous semester's Introduction to Accounting (but I was disappointed after that when there were no theories were tested. But anyhow, I was satisfied!) all done in 1 hour 35 minutes. Then, I read the Bible. I somehow found peace in me and I did not get nervous.

Then, on my last 15 minutes, (as I was planning to leave hostel and off to my exam venue) I said, "God, I surrender my 15 minutes to You, God. Let Your will be done, God. Thank You, Jesus." I immediately got drunk with the Holy Spirit. I suddenly lost sense of exam stress and I went for exam on that condition. Feeling drunk with the Holy Spirit, until I stepped into the exam venue, my soul and spirit were sharpened. I already knew that God's hands were with me. I then continued singing grace to the Lord in my heart, for whatever calculation I was doing and thanking Him for every mistakes I found myself doing. As it ended, I just noticed that it was pure fun in the exam venue. I had no sense of excitement for the paper, or even sense of nervousness when I couldn't reconcile my answers. I was only focusing my mind on God. He was truly with me throughout the duration. I then came back to my hostel, smiling broadly, broader than ever. Honestly, I have never had such euphoria for exam before, ever in my life. Amen!

Evangelising as an Evangelist
Yesterday, during my church's House of Prayer for All Nations, (it is basically soaking session for our minds to be renewed and for us all to pray for the nation and share our visions that God has given us) I unexpectedly received my five-fold ministry calling - to be an evangelist. And yesterday, after dinner, my section overseer was talking a lot and teaching me a lot on how to be an evangelist, while not forsaking the other 4 aspects (i.e.: pastoral, apostolic, teaching and prophetic).

Today, after exam, I had a chance to evangelise to my friend, who was having his right hand sprained. I ministered healing under God's name yesterday and again today, and he said that it was 50% healed. I started evangelising to him, making him understand the underlying concept of Christianity - where we usually claim that Christianity is a relationship with God, and not a religion.

I spent about an hour before dining with him, talking about Christianity. Although he didn't acknowledge, at least he realized that I could perform healing under Lord Jesus' name and he couldn't. At least, now he knows a lot more of Christianity. Yes, in the end, he didn't get completely healed (it was very obvious that the Holy Spirit was reluctant already), at least, at least... He tasted a little bit of it. I'm glad that I managed to stir him, deep down in his heart. May God bless him. Amen.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Intercession

2011-12-30T14:18:00.000+08:00

Intercession - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intercession

Intercession is the act of interceding (intervening or mediating) between two parties. In Christian religious usage, it is a prayer to God on behalf of others.

Public intercession done yesterday

Another public intercession done just 2 minutes ago

The more I grow fond of the Lord, the more I am focused and more confident in my prayers. Right now, I can really uphold the power of prayers and intercessions as my strongest weapon ever. Indeed, this is quite absurd for me to post my intercessions on my Facebook wall and tagging anyone who's in my mind, but yes. I believe that God moves even beyond this.

In short, I pray that everyone will be blessed with my intercessions. Thank you, Lord.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Christmas and Thanksgiving

2011-12-27T21:07:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm talking about Christmas season again. Although it has been 2 days since then because I was just tagged on Facebook with the interesting pictures in church and in my pastor's house during dinner on Christmas night.

Insight of the church, during our arrangement of new chairs

Photoshot taken when all things are done!

These pictures were taken on Christmas eve, after the celebration of Christmas for the World Harvest Children Church. We were at first, unwrapping our church's Christmas gift of NEW red chairs, and then we ended up playing dodge balls with the balled sling wraps. It was seriously joyful seeing everyone playing with it and especially when Perez started cursing mildly in Malay, which made me ALMOST ROTLMHO - rolling on the floor laughing my heads off.

When everything has been done, we finally took a group photo (actually more than one, but I chose this as my featured photo in my blog) together. And this, people. Is my big family (though incomplete), born again from the same Father - Jesus.

My Spiritual Family, during Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner

Then, on Christmas, I woke up and prepared myself to go to church for our Christmas praise celebration and I received my first gift from God, through Jimmy, another brother in Christ during the alter call - Jimmy imparted to my his gift of teaching and I immediately fell down flat on my back by the power of God and felt my heart and soul being renewed.

We had our lunch outside the church after everything was over and there I got a lot of presents - handmade gifts, from many of them. I was shocked and touched to receive so many of their heartfelt Christmas gifts. Though, these are just papers and they are so small and valueless to many of you out there, but these things mattered a lot to me. It really struck deep in my heart. I think from here onwards, I shall be having a mini box for myself - to keep all these memorable stuffs because I'm afraid if I just leave it unattended, I will end up throwing them away next year. This usually happens when I don't take care of my stuffs.

My Kinship: Tricia, Bong Yang and I

Later, I got back to my hut and slept. Planning to wake up at 5pm, to prepare to go and help out in my pastor's house during dinner that night but I woke up at 6pm instead. I felt literally useless at that point. Then, David (the guy in purple tee below) fetched me at 7pm and I went there and WHOA. The house is filled with so many people. Yes, the picture you see above, in a more homely environment are those people who went for the thanksgiving dinner. Honestly, I felt so home and them and ate like a king, as what my section overseer has said to me: "Tonight, we shall eat like kings!"

Although I wanted to help out by giving out food to them, I somehow was tempted to eat. Oh, screwed. Temptation again. Ha, ha. Sorry, folks! My bad. But anyway, we all had a lot of fun there, with 3 people snapping so many pictures, talked about casual things with the pastors, watching Shrek 4ever on HBO, laughed my heads off on some funny scenes which literally made everyone around me felt uncomfortable with my laughter.

What more can I say?

Exactly, what more can I say? All in all, I thank God for giving me such wonderful spiritual family and blessing me with these wonderful people around me. Thanks to everyone and now, we shall be equipping ourselves for the mysterious year ahead. God bless everyone. Amen.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Exam Stress and Journey with God Almighty

2011-12-27T20:37:00.000+08:00

I have been very busy with so many other programs recently to the extend that I do not have much time to study. I somehow felt that I wasted a lot of my time sleeping along the way as well. Well, even my bloody tears will not roll back the time for my to redo what I wanted to do, so, I better get myself equipped so long I still have the time to do so and don't worry and forever sing praises to the Lord. I need Him right now, more than ever.

I have given my life, my ENTIRE life, to Him and be His servant of righteousness already. All I can hope for is His grace for guiding me through this examination - perhaps, saving some souls along the way? This is interesting! And so, I believe in this:

Philippians 4:13

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

And I should never worry:

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Christmas - The Before and After Salvation Part of Me

2011-12-25T04:42:00.000+08:00

I still remember, many years ago, I stayed up late for my dad to come back home, just to wish him Merry Christmas. Me, being a small child, running towards him on the carpark without my sandals on, and shouted MERRY CHRISTMAS, and hugging him was pretty pointless, now come to think about it. But, come to think of it, I have been looking forward to Christmas every year, without me noticing it, more than Chinese New Year and I strongly think it is because of my pretty heavy non-Chinese backgroud. Now, I do not say I'm from an English background, yeah. I'm just a mixture of both Malay and English.

But anyway, I didn't really know the true meaning of Christmas until this year. The real turning point in my whole entire life. Let's just see the before part of me: It was Christmas. I knew it was Jesus being born to the world, but I didn't remind myself of that. I pretty much, wasted more than what I have for my entire life, then. I mean, what was the point of me celebrating it, without knowing the true meaning of it? Well, at least as for Chinese New Year, I do, but also, I didn't embose it into my mind. So, can you see? I wasted a lot of time in my life - technically 18 years. I was foolish in being an atheist, then a deist (check the definitions out if you don't know) and now, I finally found my way back home. To the Lord. To the Promise Land.

Let's see now, what I have AFTER my salvation: I have received tons of visions for me to pray and meditate about, I do not fear anymore of any spirits that could intersect my line of sight (I always had discerning of spirits, even before accepting Jesus, but I didn't know what to do back then). I just command the spirits to leave and they shall obey. That's how I have transformed. I know where I sit - right hand side of the Throne, I know who is my Father - Jesus Christ, and guess what? I can even hear Him. The very major impact He has done in my life is this: Be double patient, be double forgiving, be double loving. Then, indirectly all negative feelings slowly being halved, and halved, finally to bits of nothingness. This is how I change.

Albeit the series of conflicts in my family, I somehow believe, He will do what He will do. Lord, let Your will be done, as how it is done in heaven. So, I don't have to worry about it. Being with Him, I have gained the six aspects of Jesus for myself, and I will treasure it, until the day I breathe my last breath on earth:

"Salvation

Restoration

Renewal

Healing

Deliverance

Abundance"

Truly, this is my greatest gift - six in One. I cannot find any other gifts in the world for a change. Thank you, Lord. You're always good!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Pray, Fast, Eat

2011-12-19T13:05:00.000+08:00

Amen! Let me update you guys on the bits I have in life right now. Yes, it's going to be about Christianity. It's going to be me talking about the conversations with my Father in Heaven. It's going to be visions that He gave me. Please bear in mind this, I am not trying to do any brain-washing. If you feel so, kindly exit. I don't want my intention to be mistaken as any sort of brainwashing.

So, here we go. On Friday when I called home for some issue that I somewhat forgot right now, I had the urge to go back home, amidst the pile of papers for me to do my reading - exam is coming! Anyway, my focus should be on Him, so I don't have to worry much. God promised me that for whatever situation I am having now, He shall help me through it. Amen!

That Friday night, I went to House of Prayers for All Nation (in short, HOPFAN) and there, I heard His voice also wanting me to go back home. So, I waited more for answers and minutes after that during the prayers, I heard one of my church mates confirmed the call from God (in Tongues). Then, He again asked me to pray for all nations and fast during my prayers, so I asked Him, "How, God? Teach me." Immediately, another friend there confirmed my fasting during prayers (in Tongues). Bear in mind that this is not of cult whatsoever.

1 Corinthians 12:7-11

New International Version (NIV)

⁷ Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. ⁸ To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, ⁹ to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, ¹⁰ to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,^[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.^[b] ¹¹ All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.

(I prefer NIV to NKJV for public read because NKJV requires real contemplation of words and almost everything there is in the Mid-English.)

So, here is it. I asked God for signs and He gave me the gift of interpretation of Tongues that night. I asked Tricia, after the prayers, how to fast and she told me there are many ways to fast. I wanted to do the full fast of 7am to 7pm, of no solid food. But then again, Tricia advised me not to, because exam is coming near and I need to focus in my studies too. So, I reduced it into a lunch fast. I use the time to eat, to pray and sing praises to the Lord. My prayers are for the nations in the world, more renewal of mind, unwell people be cured and more salvation.

On Saturday, (my first day of fasting) during dinner where I break my fast and thank God for His spiritual food as my lunch, I went to Johnny's to eat with Granny and did a lot of (WINDOW) shopping, until she complained that her back ached. That night, I laid my left hand on her back and prayed silently. It didn't cure until today, I prayed again and immediately, she was healed. See how silent prayers work?

As for my Sabbath yesterday, I went to a church with my friend's family, since I do not know where it is. There, I was rebuked for my faith in Him (just like what He told me before I left KL) but let's just drop this issue. It is not good to speak bad of anything.

For these few days, as I was praying earnestly, He gave me visions and verses to proclaim and all are of salvation. I believe that once He gave me something to meditate on, those things will always come to pass. Amen.

I believe, right now. This is my testimony, that I could share it openly to the public to be blessed.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Reflection of moral values

2011-12-16T16:44:00.000+08:00

Let me explain what Christmas E2 is all about. It's about my awesome pastor talking about Perfect Christmas and how to get a perfect year in 2012. That was what he said on Wednesday. The thing about my pastor is this: Whatever he says, although is touchy and harsh, he struck on the point. All the time he opens his mouth, although there are some parts he could sound boring because he repeats himself over and over. So, yeah. That's my pastor. A very influential person!

So, let's think together with me. Is this what we really want from the world? Just to be so well-known in Facebook over the bizzare things you do, over the many floral words you use to curse people, the weather, the lightning, basically... You curse about everything that is displeasing to you, no? Is this what you all really want from yourselves?

You may sound very grand and bold to your peer by doing that but come to think of it, does this not also reflect your own moral values? I'm not trying to say that I am perfect or whatsoever. I am merely stating facts of the teenagers nowadays who curse like uneducated elders and humiliate yourselves in front of those educated and well-brought up people. To be honest, I have been there for a while. That used to be one of my phases in life, but sooner, I find that really empty for my soul. It was not soul-nurturing at all. To whom it may concern: I'm sorry for who I was.

Now, I'm a renewed person. I still learn from mistakes. I grow with them.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Being Excellent!

2011-12-13T17:10:00.000+08:00

"Scoring A's are just temporal benefits. But being excellent means, developing critical thinking skills along the way." - My FOA Lecturer

Exactly. I simply do not understand why are there so many people aiming for A, for the sake of a good flat pointer. I, on the other hand aim for A, for the sake of a good pointer is because I enjoy studying them, however there are some exceptions along the way where I really hated the subject, I simply have to get A for the sake of getting A. But, trust me. Most of the time, I study for the sake of understanding and for the fullfilment in my life - otherwise, I will not even be here at the first place!

Right now, we are all in Week 13 and exam is really very soon already. I have never lost faith in God, although when I was not a Christian back then. Now, I have Him in me, I have more the reason to remain humble and teachable - and not boast about Jesus to everyone. That's rude.

Which is why, we have to work on our critical thinking skills. I have been joining so many things in my life so far and trust me, it was tedious being leaders of so many projects, but with that, I learn to grow and learn how to think critically. This truly makes my mind sharper in problem solving.

Looking back to my FOA lecture notes, I'm now in the final chapter already (Interpretation of Financial Statements). This also means something else - I'm not going to see my lecturer anymore, until Sem 6, which is around this month, next year. It's pretty sad, that how good lecturers can't teach for all the accounting subjects. But anyway, I have faith in the college and I believe there will be equally good or even better lecturers await after her! Bring it on!!

Looking back to my past, in form 5, I used to be so naive and hated this topic in Principles of Accounting where I would have to analyse so many tedious things BUT now, as I grow, I soon notice that this is very important. I also believe I understand more right now, because I have read a few of The Edge report on market share values and analysing the fluctuation in the paper. I feel whole, and happy for being able to apply all my knowledge that I've learnt to the real world and I believe this is how people grow and benefit.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Being humble, and teachable

2011-12-11T00:16:00.001+08:00

Tonight marks another great journey of my spiritual journey.

My spiritual leaders and I talked about homosexuality and being humble. We exchanged thoughts on the first few hours but then, I finally dismissed the heat in me to fight back and decided to eat what was given to me - it's for my own good. They said that I'm growing and I need to maintain teachable and very humble and simply receive what people advise me on, to grow MORE. They also reminded me of how can I see so many visions the first few days of my journey with the Lord, because of my child-like faith.

Now, it has come to pass, a reality check, given by my spiritual leaders. It was not a bad thing at all. In fact, I'd have to thank them for teaching me and reminding me to be humble, as the prouds will be dismissed but the humble be blessed (I can't remember the exact words for this scripture, however). Today's walk with Him was good and I would like to ask for more to come. Tonight, really. I have learnt so much. Let me share with you what I learnt.

1. Homosexuality is a mere misunderstood mindset - set free from it!
2. Be humble and teachable. You never lose for being humble and teachable.
3. Maintain a child-like faith for with that, we grow exponentially.
4. Always respect others, regardless of how close you think you are to that person.
5. Don't be stubborn - accept what people teach you, it's for your own good.
6. Ask for renewal of mind - that is repentance already!
7. Sometimes, you just have to mind your own business.

Now, listing this makes me wonder why did we speak for almost three hours. Is it because of the heated and endless debate? Is it because God wants to show me more through them? But, for whatever it is, I am very grateful. They have changed another part of me. Love you, guys!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

It's all about HAVING FAITH and BEING HUMBLE

2011-12-07T12:29:00.000+08:00

Today, I've just finished my Introduction to Organization and Management coursework. I felt defeated after knowing that I've done a few mistakes and I earnestly lost faith in the middle of the road. But then again, I hear voices in my head,
"Have you tried your best?"
"Did you pray before you take the test?"
"Do you have faith in God?"
"Do you believe that He never leaves you alone?"
I agreed on all these silently. Then, as I was walking to my hostel, I saw a stranger, this girl smiled very sweetly to me when we bumped into each other and I smiled back. Immediately, I told myself: I'm beaten, but never defeated!

Then, when I finally checked my dusty Hotmail inbox, I've finally read a reply from my course leader dated 11/11/11 regarding a dilemma previously in my course and she was rather offended with what I've written. I took the humble road and be humble. I apologized to her from the bottom of my heart as she did state clearly in her email that she "... demand something," which obviously is my apology.

In her reply, she told that she was disappointed with my character as a "justifier" (she didn't say this exact words, but this was what she meant), in future as an accountant. I stated to her that I am worried myself too. I reassured her that she has made an impact in my life and I said that I need the environment to educate me, since of course, I come from a broken home. So, my ethics are rather raw, compared to other people.

Conclusion is, I feel blessed today. For what has happened. Thank You, God for not forsaking me but loved me so much and continuously blessing me. I love You!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Kyrie Eleison!

2011-11-21T03:54:00.001+08:00

There are a lot of things I would like to bring up. I had been receiving God's grace for these 3 days and I finally got the answer. I accepted Christ on 20/11/2011.

18/11/2011 Friday
-I met a guy in my college whom I thought I could never see (since I have accidentally intimidated him earlier on in Facebook chat). This made my day significant on my Friday morning.
-Second thing that made the day fruitful was this: My talkshow (group English presentation) was a major hit! WEEHOO! We have all completely left our tutor dumbstruck. She couldn't find out anything bad to comment on. She was repeating a lot of "Very good" to us with a broad smile.
-Third thing was again, during Music Theory. I gave my interpretation of a piano concerto that my teacher is currently playing and she was glad to receive it. She even agreed to what I wrote upon.

19/11/2011 Saturday
-I saw the guy mentioned above again which was rather shocking for me
-I had dinner with my "special" Christian friends (Bong Yang and Tricia) whom I could see lights upon them when I first met them and we spoke about very spiritual stuffs. Let me not just venture there. It's just hard to believe, seriously. Anyway, this made my day significant.

20/11/2011 Sunday
-I went to World Harvest Church to listen to a speech by Mr Oliver Tham. For both sessions. First session was at 10am (I had breakfast with Tricia, who invited me there, earlier) and the second was at 5pm.
-I left at 12pm, having appointment with my Music teacher in KLCC (with her friends). So then, I was blessed to go to watch the concert (although the conductor didn't have enough energy for me). The ticket was only RM15! Oh goodness, could you imagine that?! It was really good.
-I came back just on time for the second Oliver session and it went on until 8pm, I think. There during the ending, there were signs of Christ for me already. All I did was to pray for righteousness and my prayer was answered. What happened was really extraordinary.

Pardon me, non-believers. This is really hard for you to believe in what I am going to say. You have to accept Him to understand my feeling.

I started trembling and I told Tricia who brought me there, "I think I have the answer. To accept Christ." And I narrated about the whole prayer session a few minutes before I got the answer and I started feeling numb. It was both my hands first. My ~~friends~~ brothers and sisters in Christ there told me that it was all God's grace and honestly. It was FREAKING HEAVY on me! I closed my eyes and was brought into such situation for a period of time.

I then laid my head and hands on Bong Yang's thighs and clasping his hand, after I received Christ in me. I felt the absurd pressure on me! It was heavy, but holy. Then I started crying and screaming for my physical body couldn't accept the grace God has descended on me that night. I collapsed on the floor (I was lucky it was carpeted, so it was rather soft) screaming and they asked me to call out Jesus' name and I did. Okay, at this point. I just thought of Bella. Yeah, now I understand how she felt when the venom was in her body. I know this analogy is epic, but yeah. It was similar to what she was feeling.

There, I saw so many things. Time shall only tell the meanings of each vision I saw that night. Then, it came to a point where I spoke with such authority and I received answers from God about my doubts because earlier on, I had the worry in me that once I accept Christ, I will have to stop praying to my ancestors, but that night I received the answer from Him saying that it is okay to do so because this is MY tradition and not other religions which forbids you doing all sorts of rituals.

These are a few things that I could remember saying:
"Don't call me Alex, for those who only know me today. For this is not my God-given name. Call me (insert my romanized Chinese name) for this is my God-given name to me!"
"That was what I was trying to say, Bong Yang. Whatever you think I pray to, I always say God is only One. The Lord, God is ONLY ONE!!!" (my voice changed entirely for this line)
"Tricia, you father will accept Christ again. Believe in me. Oh Lord father, I pray to You that You shall make (Tricia's dad's full name) accept You once more before he breathe his last breath, O Lord!"

My words were not from me. There were even a few sessions where I spoke in Tongue. It was the Spirit who used me to speak to everyone who was there for me that night. It was simply amazing how God used me to speak to everyone there. Thank You, God.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS: For you non-believers. Don't be afraid, if you really think I will end up preaching every minute of my life to you. I received the calling of "being a preacher with my actions, not words," this was what God told me when I was collapsed. "People go to you and then you preach to them. You don't seek them. Let them seek you," He continued.

Also, I got another calling (to be honest, I only slept from 11pm to 1am and I've been awake since then. The time is 3.50am, by the way) when I read Matthew right after I woke up. It was reinstated when I was listening to Mozart's Messa di Requiem. My second calling (my Assignment) is to lead an orchestra. A conductor. This is my calling!

To conclude, for you readers. May God bless you with the goodness from heaven and you shall taste the sweetness of heaven for yourself when your time has come. Amen.

I hate accounting!

2011-11-17T21:26:00.001+08:00

That was the bold statement I confessed to my Fundamentals of Accounting tutor. He took it calmly. He was a good listener indeed. I didn't "read" him wrongly here. He's very fatherly, actually. Anyway, what he told me was rather inspirational and very straight forward. Here is the conversation:
Me: Sir, I'd like to talk to you.
Sir: Alright. What?
Me: I have a problem, sir. I hate accounting. I find it tedious and so very dead.
Sir: If that's the case, why did you take up this course?
Me: Well, sir you see. I'd like more to strategic thinking kinda stuffs. That's why I'm aiming for AMA (Management Accounting) for my Advance. I also talked to the lecturer about my dilemma last semester because I was fond of Economics.
Sir: So, what did she say?
Me: She advised me to give more time to think about my decision as we go up to Sem 7, we'll have combination of both. So, she asked me to do my choice there. She also said that Economics major's job scope is very small, which was why I didn't think of going for it anymore.
Sir: So, you see. Even AMA has accounting papers.
Me: I know but you see, at least things are not dead there. I like subjects like Law, Governance and IAS more. For example like what we learnt on Company? There was this popular case of Saloman that I liked very much.
Sir: You see, if you wanna go for the higher level subjects, you should get good foundation in your basics first. This is very important. If you don't know the elements of double entry, you can't do anything when you're in higher level, true?
Me: I also believe that this level's accounting is too downright basic till I have lost my interest in accounting. Or, it could be the class tutorials like I said, it's very confusing. Either that, OR, no offence, sir, you confused me too. Remember what happened during our first class on Inventory? I said you confused me.

So, readers. These are the only memorable lines. As I bid him goodbye, I thought to myself again: Music Theory Grades 1-4 are simple and very dull rhythm composition. I stayed strong and now, I could finally compose melody. I shall stay strong, for analytical mind's sake! I need this foundation to be good for future.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Today is 12/11/2011

2011-11-12T15:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, God finally answered my call! I love You, God. Thanks for granting my wish. My Dad's sickness is finally over.

Dad, if you read this...
I wanna apologize that I have not been a good son to you, by sinning against you when you were down. I was/am naive about the circumstances and plans that you have laid for me. You might come home drunk, you might talk nonsense. You might even scold me for my wrongdoings. You left me. You came back. You left me again. You came back again. You didn't know that last week was my first time, I shed tears for you when I knew you were leaving back to the UK again. I guess, all these while, when I lied to myself and said, "Let things be. I don't wanna be bothered," was just a lie. That night, when I cried, I noticed that whatever that happened, whatever psychological torture you gave me since you met Patricia, I couldn't hate you, although I did say so a few times in the past. I simply couldn't. My heart denied that feeling that I was trying to plant into it (because I don't wanna be hurt in future anymore). You have lost my respect since you didn't hear my pleas.

But yesterday, Dad. You have gained my respect again. I could finally see your responsibility as a Dad, not just giving me my financial needs for the next 4 years to come but also gave me advices regarding investments and savings as well as protecting me last night. I finally see it. You have always respected my choices in whatever I do and only detest my choices when I am proven to have bad judgments, now I shall respect your choice to go back to the UK. Thank you, Dad. I love you. I also love You, God for giving me such pleasant evening yesterday, although it rained pretty badly at first.

That's not all. My English teacher also told me that I am very unique when it comes to acting. She said that not many could actually forget who they are in reality to get into the role of the characters. We also discussed on the matter of synchronization of music and acting lines. Apparently there is a very huge breach of communication between these two. It was my fault for neglecting the music line. I'm sorry. All in all, next Monday, everything shall be discussed and finalized. The performance is coming nearer each minute and I still can't see something solid from the group. Despite the fact that we have been practising since the beginning of the semester, we still have a lot of space for improvement. I am a fair person and I am saying this justly, "If we don't do something about this by next week, we'll be humiliating ourselves on the stage next month."

When I reached home and went for my Music Theory class, there was another message uttered with sincerity by my Music teacher which inspired me, and thus I believed that my enthusiasm has made her day too...

We were in Melody Composition. It was an eight-bar melody of composition. I chose to compose for the cello (I will always do so, because that's the only bass-clef instrument I know of) and my teacher and I volleyed each other on the melody at cadence points. She told me that she has always taught her students to reply to the opening melody by using SEQUENCE/ IMITATION, because to her, that's the safest method (besides scales of course).

My words touched her; I said, "Sorry. Please let me think of the melody. It's running in my head already," we kept quiet until I wrote my last note. After I wrote out the melody, she tried changing it by using her method of teaching her students - sequence/ imitation. I said, "No. It is not meant to be played this manner. The final note cannot be played with the low F note. This piece is meant to be happy! The low F note suggests 'This is the end of my melody composition and I want you to clap NOW'." She smiled and nodded her head and we agreed on retaining the high F note.

Then, she told me to add the musical performance directions which I immediately added because such articulations were already in my head when she tried my melody on the piano. I noticed that she asked me a lot of questions (I sensed she was quite excited) during my "decorating" session, "Upbow, downbow?" "Want to slur?" "Louder here perhaps?" I took some and rejected many. I did not mean to disrespect her. I wanted to prove to her that, that was what was in my mind and I wanted her to comment on my composition. I also believe that compositions are never rigid. The 4 golden rules (Sequence, Imitation, Repetition and Contrast) and simply provided as guidelines. I did more passing and auxilliary notes and broken chords instead.

When it was time to bid each other goodbye, she finally said, "All these while, I have never met a student which has the melody constructed in their heads. They always follow what I say. If I do not tell them what to do, in their minds, they're all empty."

I retorted, "But, come on! All you students play the piano. Can't they imagine?"

Her reply was very sensible, "Don't you know that most children are forced by their parents?"

I kept quiet, knowing that she was absolutely right about this. She progressed on talking about her colleague who has been teaching the piano for 14 years never has a student going for the ABRSM Grade 8 practical examination. I couldn't agree more on her heartache.

She also voiced her sadness (though not directly) to me about how her students seem uninterested and how they all show very slow progress in their practical. Then I joked, "Then, Mr. William is indeed very lucky to have me as his student for guitar! I am the fastest student in his classes. Usually, one month, we will go up another level." I bid her goodbye and good night.

To these people, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all have made my day. Really. Thank you.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS: For my non-avid readers, my Dad's sickness, it's metaphorical.
PSS: Damn! As I do my editing of the title, I just noticed that yesterday was indeed a special day - thanks to 11/11/11!!

What I have been up to recently

2011-11-10T12:15:00.000+08:00

Had I been an atheist, I would have died already. God has always been there for me, listening to my prayers - Thank You!

What I have been up to recently?
1. Very busy with due assignments. ITS assignment due next week and my leader is still not sure what to do. I'm planning to take over soon enough. Just when it's time to end. We have to submit our assignments up on Friday next week. My part to worry is: Are my members going to be able to finish up their assignments on time? Although I know that their individual worksheets are not going to affect me by a tiniest bit, but I want the best out of them. Pardon me for speaking in such manner. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not the leader, but I am going to be by next week - I would need their works to be compiled under my file (since I am the first, alphabetically, so I need to use my name as my group. This is what I call indirect leadership).

2. ITS been put aside, I have English group presentation, also due next Friday. Actually, that's our presentation date. We chose (I should say, I chose because everyone had tremendous stress to cope up with due to this topic, including me. But, I know they could do it. I have faith in them) WAR as our topic. This is how it sounds like: "War has been a polemic issue. However, since the end of World War II, there are still regional wars in many parts of the world. Discuss the causes and effects of war and ways to prevent it."

3. Now, I also have ITS test on next Friday after our group presentation. I had to stay up late last night (I only started revising yesterday after dinner, around 11pm) to read and memorize the first chapter. I don't quite like to use the term MEMORIZE actually... I prefer, UNDERSTAND. As a result, I skipped my IOM lecture at 8am. I was too tired. I'd be dead tired if I go for it. Anyhow, I was lucky that this chapter is quite easy - Management and Leadership. It's very interesting too!!

4. My drama group is pretty much on its downturn at the moment. The music line has some problems which I ignored since the beginning of the practice. I admit, it's my management fault and I am very sorry for this. Today, during our supposed practice, we didn't because the guitarists were not available for today's slot - oh, how much I hate being informed about their last minute changes! So, today the actors talked about this and we have come up with a grand solution - focus more on music line from next practice onwards! As for the props, make-up and what not, I'll leave it to my English tutor. That is not my concern. My concern is mainly on this dancers. Once everything is settled, I shall synchorize everything up already. To my actors, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for telling me your great CONTIGENCY plan! I really appreciate them.

So, till then, wish me luck in whatever may come tomorrow (symbolically, future).
Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Worthlessness

2011-11-06T11:46:00.002+08:00

Another Staff Sunday Submission by me, for TCBH.

My Economics lecturer on Friday inspired me to write on this article. We were on Keynesian economic model where Keynes argued that during the Great Depression, the economy didn't heal itself - as perscribed by the classical economists.

In this part of Keynesian theory, my lecturer said that since the Short-Run SupplyCurve (SRAS) can't move, the only way to self-regulate is by moving the Aggregate Demand (AD) curve and by doing so, Keynes proposed a process called the multiplier process.

He further stated that the multiplier process is a process that happens naturally and it only needs one single person to shift the whole AD curve because the multiplier will do the work. His example was on a person who spends additional RM40 on a good, and in the ultimate end, that RM40 has become RM200 due to multiplier effect.

So he said, "Don't think you are a nobody in the world. If everyone in this lecture hall (we have a gross amount of 300 heads there) spends RM1 lesser, it would total up to about RM300 spent lesser on the market basket, BOOM! Recession."

That day, I was really inspired by his lecture. He indirectly related all of us into the importance we can do to our country. If that is the case, I feel that people who feel worthless about them should really read this, then ask yourself, "To which extend that I am actually worthless to anything at all?" and list it down. Then, compare yourself with the people who commit suicide for their personal reasons. Then, I believe you will see everything in a better perspective.

Don't simply give up for not trying hard ENOUGH. I once read an imageword in Tumblr, "I fell 8 times, but I stood up 9." Doesn't this message mean anything to you? You stood up 9 times! Don't give up. Never do. I've been on many funny circumstances which there are at points I simply feel like giving up. Every single time whenever these things happen, I'd tell everyone, "I FUCKING QUIT!" But deep down in me, I told myself, "Alex. You're a fighter. You are born a fighter. You could survive so long with so many other problems around you all this while and now you're quitting? WAKE UP and fight, Alex! I'm sure there are people who need you around with them. Why give up for something impermanent? SILLY COW!"

One of the many books I've read also tells the character to live and don't die - For One More Day.
One of the many books I've read also tells there is no random act in the world - The Five People.
One of the many books I've read also tells me that God is there and He will help us fight - The Holy Bible.

Don't. Give. Up.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

I've updated my "To Do" list

2011-10-25T21:33:00.003+08:00

And made it hell more realistic.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Giving Excuses

2011-10-22T12:12:00.000+08:00

I really wanted to write about this on Monday but I couldn't find time. I was utterly busy with orchestra, as our performance is next week, you see? Anyway, let's get back to the point. Excuses.

I really really hate people giving excuses. Why can't they say "No, I don't feel like it," or "No, I'm lazy," to end it? Why must people always give insensible excuses like, "My parents are coming back home today," and all other stupid excuses. Well, I've been in a situation like this before. I was accused by my so-called true friends earlier this year just because I wanted to save money for college, just because I didn't attend most of their outings, just because I wanted to stay at home, just because I always go out with them earlier, they couldn't accept the fact then, that I was really having some financial difficulties and I became a hot topic for a moment. Anyhow, I decided to walk out of the fake group of friends. It was really a sad thing, where you were so close once, and then they start talking about you just because you don't join them. Screw them - sunk cost.

I did talk about this to my room mate on Monday night and yes, he was the person who inspired me to write this article. To him, he said he will blast the person who gives stupid excuses with full sarcasm in front of him. But to me, I blast people off with cold and stern words. Yes, I know I'm always radical. You cannot blame me for acting this way. It's considered very good for me not to simply rant at people for the small mistakes they do, don't you think so?

I've been through many circumstances and I've also been through a lot of people who gave me stupid excuses to slip through. I do admit I also give stupid excuses but I make it practical. I give very less excuses. If I could, I could. If I really couldn't, or I feel reluctant, I don't give stupid excuses, I give real excuses, "I'm sorry. I have a lot of things to do." Sadly, my application/principle of "Do unto others, what you want others do unto you" is not so practical. Perhaps, I need more time to nurture that habit of stop giving excuses.

Sigh, sometimes, I really think that I am very naive in this planet, with everyone else being so "double-faced", so "secretive", so proud of themselves, I am the one who is so openly accepting to these kind of threats, it makes me pretty vulnerable, don't you think? Of course, readers I need to disclaim that I am also human. I do that too but not as bad. At least I don't double-face people, or being over-secretive to people and I only boast around when I get irritated by these idiotic species who boast about how great they do (but comparatively smaller compared to what I've done).

In a nutshell, I am not saying giving excuses are inexcusable. I am saying that you have to be practical in giving excuses. Don't make it cliched, otherwise, you're done for already!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Unconditional Love of a Mother

2011-10-21T07:39:00.000+08:00

Mom sent this article to me and it managed to reduce me to tears. It was really meaningful, at least, for me, it is. I was earlier on, lacked of Mother's love. Or should I say, deprived?

The time is now
It is better to give them a little now than to give them the world when they are gone
The world is full of sons and daughters like you and me

I had a marvelous mother, who loved me,
Sacrificed for me and helped me in every way possible.

In all of my growing up from childhood through
School and eventually marriage,
My mother was always at my side.

And when I needed help with my little ones, she was there for me.
A few years ago, we buried this wonderful woman.
Can you imagine how I felt when I returned home and
Found a poem in her drawer, written by my mom:

The time is now
If you are ever going to love
Love me now while I can know
The sweet and tender feelings
Which from true affection flow
Love me now while I am living
Do not wait until I am gone
And then have it chiseled in marble
Sweet words on ice-cold stone
If you have tender thoughts of me
Please let me know now
If you wait until I am sleeping
There will be death between us
And I will not hear you then
So if you love me, even a little bit
Let me know while I am living
So that I can treasure it

Your loving mum
Now she is gone and I am sick with guilt
Because I never told her what she meant to me.

Worse yet, I did not treat her as she deserved to be treated.

I found time for everyone and everything else
But I never made time for her.

It would have been easy to drop in for a cup of tea
And a hug but my friends came first.

Would any of them have done for me what my mother did?
I know the answer.

When I called mom on the phone,
I was always in a hurry.

I feel ashamed when I think of the times I cut her off,
The times I retorted back to her,
The times I glared at her in an angry mood when she wanted to correct me and guide me through the correct path.
I remember too, the times I could have included her in a trip out and did not.

My children loved Grandma from the times they were babies.
They often turn to her for comfort and advice.
She understood them.
I realize now that I was too critical,
Too short-tempered, too stingy with praise.
Grandma gave them unconditional love.
The world is filled with sons, daughters and a child like me.
I hope they see themselves in this letter and realise from it.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Disappointment

2011-10-17T14:29:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, self-reliance is a lot better than what we have for now. I just got out of my Information and Technology System lecture. My lecturer has disappointed me. She lost momentum every single time I went for her lecture. It is now week 5. I've given her more than enough time to prove herself worthy to me (as well as the other course mates). It is very disappointing that she drags too much time, sitting down during her lecture (Do you think it is appropriate?).

I got out of the lecture hall about half hour prior to the end of lecture. Now, I am blogging about my disappointment in college library and I figured something out: Flipping through my text book and trying to understand my lecture notes ALL BY MYSELF (or with friends) are hell better than attending my time-consuming lecture.

Well, Mom, I am sure you will advise me about this, saying that I must go, whether it is fun or very dead boring. But have you forgotten, I couldn't ace well because of tuitions in form 3, but once I stopped all those nonsensical extra PAID classes, everything went a lot better. So, this is it. I am going to return to my traditional style.

I understood so many literatures, I understood astrophysics when I was in form 1 (but now I've forgotten, of course, because I am not applying it!), I understood Theory of Music very quickly (it is only 6 months, or less, and I am already in Grade 5), I understood so many things without a proper tutor beside me. I got an A for Physics in SPM despite the forever-changing teachers during form 4, I got an A- (sadly, the only A- in my result slip) for Biology, despite the unfathomable classes back in school. I got an A for Hubungan Etnik, knowing that my lecturer was terrible, I had to study like a mad cow, memorizing laws and sections with their definitions to support my answers.

I have done all of the above with grace of God and with His grace, He gave me presents - supporting friends and family, awesome library in my college for me to do research and my strength and confidence. I will not fucking go down so easily.

To whom it may concern: I don't care if you are a very poorly trained lecturer, or you're just getting money by sitting down during your lectures. Let me tell you this, if I score well, it is none of your credits, but if I do not get CGPA of 4.000 this semester and the factor is ITS, you are to be blamed. Bear in mind, what goes around, comes around. You will pay this price in the future.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Do Not Disturb!

2011-10-12T12:21:00.000+08:00

This is exactly what I am feeling right now. I just feel that the day... is super dull and dead. Is anything wrong, or am I the one with problem? Today, the day is just too mundane. One class, from 9.30am to 11am and we were all dismissed. Well, my friends wanna are in Times Square right now, because they wanna buy formal wear for English presentation, I didn't choose to follow. although I did think of going along, for lunch as well as to pay up my Maxis phone bill but... I didn't quite feel like doing anything much at all today.

I doubt there's anything wrong because I could not feel the dark energy. Perhaps I am just too tired due to horrendous amount of things I take in lately. It was just too many but I believe things will soon be over. At least, I am sure for my orchestra. Seeing how tepid everything in the chamber is, there... I feel like withdrawing after the choir exchange program. I am quite certain about it. Things are simply too dull there and there is no commitment, no discipline, no nothing. It's simply dead!

Let's just put the negativity aside. I am enough tired with the fast-paced world I am currently living in, I shall block all those negative vibes so that I could have a HAPPY fast-paced world instead of a depressive one.

Today's plan (I think I'd have my nap first before continuing the day):
1. Complete FOA tutorial 4
2. Read Understanding Business for IOM Err... Wait... I think I've already read them last week. Shall I reread them, or simply read the notes? Yeah, I think notes should be okay!
3. Read Information System for ITS I just did my mind-mapping. Should I read? Yeah... I think I should. Reading more will not kill me, will it?

Till then, I shall wake up in 12.45pm. I am heading for my nap now. Toodles!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Until today, I've made a few amendments on Things to do before I die, and Books to read.

2011-10-08T21:49:00.001+08:00

1. Yesterday, I got the news from my music school that I have passed my Grade 2 guitar examination! I merely passed with 112, but it was better than fail, wasn't it? There is this additional comment which I must share with all of you, "Aural responses show very promising musicianship. Now, focus more on playing with steadier pulses."

This is simply the moment where I say, "See, I've done this even you don't have faith in me," to people whom quite detest my avid interest in music since I was 6 years old! I told you, it was not waste of time and money, I am doing something I really enjoy. Correspondent to the earlier post about Dad, this news yesterday had made me forget everything sad earlier on!

~~Get certified for music~~

2. I will be performing this month in my college chamber as a self-taught cellist. I am proud of this. I managed to figure everything out with my supportive friends around me in the chamber.

~~Be in an orchestra playing an instrument~~

3. I noticed, getting certified isn't really a big deal. As long as you know what you are doing, you've already certified yourself!

~~Get certified for Psychology~~ Maybe I might continue this goal when I retire?

4. I've finished Romeo and Juliet, and The Book of Tomorrow. I've also read a few books along the way, "Di Zi Gui: Guide to a Happy Life" and "Freeing your Heart". Now, I'm on a quest of reading the Holy Bible.

~~Romeo and Juliet~~
~~The Book of Tomorrow~~
~~Robinson Crusoe~~ Maybe later

~~Les Miserables~~ Maybe later

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Waiting

2011-10-08T21:36:00.000+08:00

Drafted while I was waiting for bus to return home yesterday...

To me, waiting is a non-habitual action. I just loathe waiting for things to pop out. Especially waiting for bus to go back home. I somehow feel that waiting is a waste of time, or should I just say that I am too ignorant to slow down? There are times where I noticed how slow everything around me is when I have nothing to do but wait. I could not help it but to ask myself, "Should I slow down?"

Just today, this morning after my Macroeconomics lecture, I was discussing with my English tutor about the drama for English Carnival where I will act as a wife, I received a message from Dad asking me to call home when I was free. He offered to fetch me home, from the bus terminal. So, I did call back and I regretted it. He told me that he quit his job in the supermarket. My heart sank a little and I was thinking to skip the next class, and go back home straight. Many thanks to the many books I read about life, I didn't succumb into the negativity because after all, I cannot control everything around me. I ain't God!

I felt that being depressed could not help anything at all. The tears, worries and depressions - are all actually in vain. There was also at times, I prayed to God to heal his sickness for he is always ill, in my eyes. At first I thought that he has been cured, that was when he got a job here after his return from England.

You know very clearly there always is something called BUT in a story.

Now he told me he quit his job, because his boss scolds him and misusing him. Well, I would understand, because if I were him I would have gone amock and screw the boss up too but hey, look at this. He has responsibility as a father, doesn't he? Pardon me, readers for talking about such bad things about my father. I too know it is sinful to talk about my own family's bad things, which tarnishes my family name (lesson learnt from Di Zi Gui) but I am actually writing for others to be inspired. I hope I have the power to inspire all of you, to stay strong.

I have been working voluntarily in The Chronicles of a Broken Heart as an advice columnist, I have just been nominated as the Staff of the Weeks and now, I shall follow my own advice. Wait. Time heals basically everything. Wait. Things will go well. Pray. God is just making me stronger with all these tests. Pray. God has never wanted to do anything bad to me, He always have good plans laid ahead of me (lesson learnt from a biblical verse).

Wait. Pray. I will.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Trip and another story

2011-09-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

Shall I write it in bullet points? I think I should. It's easier to read. Plus, it's my blog anyway!

1. I drove to KLIA to fetch Dad from the UK on 12th, forgoing my first day trip with my friends to Port Dickson. He's coming back here for good. That's what he says. I hope he keeps his words, really. I'm sick of "Now you see me, now you don't" game. Anyway, that is none of my business already. I've decided to leave things as they are. Things will heal by itself.

2. Dad sent me to PD the next day and I had an awesome trip with my classmates. We ate a lot. Laughed a lot. Talked a lot and also shared a lot as well. It was really nice. How great it would be if everything doesn't change? I know I am being VERY unrealistic here. I need to gear up my imagination sometimes, you see!

3. Dad fetched me back home on 15th and along the way, we talked a lot too. Philosophies, I shall say. We talked about how mean the colleagues would ever be when someone is in a bad situation, how "fake" they all are when someone is in a bad situation. Such are human behaviors. That's what we all truly are deep within. As the Bible says, we're all born to sin!

4. On the way back home, I asked Dad if we could visit Grandpa. He's dead, people. I am not hallucinating. Visiting his grave, I shall add. During the visit, I could notice I still felt like crying, after seven long years of that painful loss. I just noticed then, albeit such busy and hectic life I am living, I still love him deep down. In fact, I have to control my eye-dams in order not to break down every single time I visit him every year with my family during Cheng Beng. Here, I was thinking about Morrie (from the book Tuesdays with Morrie) and about whatever he said to Mitch.

I suppose, that's the end of my story? It really sucks that you don't have idea to write at all. I wanted to write so badly this afternoon when I first got back home but after seeing my classmates posts in my Facebook Classroom Group, about our time table, (and of course how terrible it is this time!) I freaking have classes until Saturday. I have to travel back home on Fridays after my class, for my Music Theory in my hometown, and early next morning, I have rush to college again by train or bus, whatever for the Saturday class at 10.30am. I utterly lost my mood in writing. All philosophies were gone. Ideas evaporated. It would be fake if I still had mood to write then! I hate it when it happens! So, this post is rather a make good, for my "loyal" readers to read about my current life.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Lessons of Life

2011-09-11T17:31:00.002+08:00

From: The Chronicles of Broken Heart. Another article that I've written for my Staff Sunday Submission, I find worthwhile sharing it out. Enjoy.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

xxxxx

Over the past one week, I was really bored doing my same old routine. Then, I've decided to read the books my Mom lent me 2 weeks ago. These are the lessons I've learnt and I find it worthwhile sharing.

First: Tuesdays with Morrie.
I've learnt that if a culture doesn't suit us, don't buy it.
I've learnt that love continues to go on, even when someone or something we love so much, goes away.
I've learnt that to forgive people, we have to forgive ourselves first. Keeping grudges doesn't do the trick. Let go.

Second: The Five People You Meet in Heaven
First lesson: A story doesn't stand by itself. Who we are today, is all because of the people around us. THEY mold us to be who everyone sees us as today.
Second lesson: Sometimes, we just have to make sacrifices, and not regretting it. Sacrifices are made, to make both parties better.
Third lesson: Anger is a poison and hatred is a curved blade. The more we hate someone, the more harm we do to ourselves. Once again, forgive.
Fourth lesson: Lost love is a love too. It only takes a different form. Says who we cannot love people who have died? As a matter of fact, the love for the dead, is much stronger than the love for the living because the deceased lives forever in our memories.
Fifth lesson: Everyone in the world is bound to protect. Protect someone, or something. It is only a natural habit for us to protect. It might either come in a form of responsibility (as what parents do) or a reflexive manner (as what we might do to strangers).

Third: For One More Day
I've learnt that regretting what we've done (or not doing it) in the past, for good or bad, isn't going to do us good at all. We cannot blame the people around us for things that don't go well as planned. After all, humans plan, God decides. Take things as it is and don't fret over it. When things don't work out well, stop and think. Don't make harsh decisions. Everything happens for a reason.

And readers,
You won't be expecting me to write that short, do you? Let me tell you the one thing I am shocked of my own action, but before that a little history from me, few years ago...

When I was still in my secondary school, my father remarried a lady that I really hated. That we (Granny and I) really hated. She was the poison in the family and she literally ruined my life! Yes, I know the meaning of "literally" and I am using it right. She ruined my life by taking Dad away (like what I've written in Metamorphosis), made him leave. Made him forgo his four-figure salary here and to work in the UK as a security officer. Made him sell his car. Made me felt "not right". Could you still love someone who did this to you? I was aware that the bible did say we shall love our enemies and bless those who curse us. I was aware. I know but I didn't apply that in my life, until I've read all these books mentioned above. I also like to quote Vidura, "What forgiveness cannot achieve?" Makes sense?

And I did. I sent an email to Dad upon finishing my second book. "Dad, please tell Aunt Pat that I've forgiven her. Love, Son," I didn't have her contacts. I wouldn't wish to have it either.
His reply was, "She has never kept it in her heart."
And I wrote, "Yeah. I know she might not. But I am very sure she knows that I have held grudges on her. Please tell her that I've forgiven her dad. Love, Son."

Although I have yet to see my stepmother, I've felt that I'm ready to go forward. Also, I did mention to everyone who was close to me. If I am ready to forgive her (my stepmother), I am ready to forgive everyone else in the world. Let's just end this post with, "To whom it may concern, I've decided to let go my grudges on you. And I hope you may forgive me for my wrongdoings too. May God bless you perpetually."

Yours truly,
Alex.

The Guilt

2011-09-10T01:37:00.001+08:00

Perhaps it's my inner voice asking me to improve my communication skills and to be a better human myself, but I muted it. What the fuck was that for?!

2 days ago, in a saloon.
I was the 3rd customer. The hairdressers know me for about a year already. I go there often. I like it there, good cut and it's cheap, RM6. Although Mom's hairdresser charged me cheaper (RM5) but that is too far for me. She stays in KL and I, Seremban. I often get my hair cut here before going back to hostel.

There were 2 ladies sitting down. One's hair was being treated with some kind of black dye which I suppose would promote hair growth and darken hair. She was very old. There was another lady, younger by half the first lady's age, I bet was getting her hair trimmed. I sat beside this younger lady, waiting quietly for my turn and I heard her saying that she was worried for a reason which I couldn't quite understand. She got her hair cut and head washed and dried and sat on the bench. Worried. Then my hairdresser attended to me.

Meanwhile, these 2 ladies (i.e: the younger lady and my hairdresser) were talking about how the younger lady should style her hair for a coming dinner soon, and as my hairdresser remarked her with funny sarcasms, I couldn't stop myself from laughing. She acknowledged me from thence. In the midst my haircut, the lady asked my hairdresser, "What should I do if it has blood?" or, was that even what I've heard from her? I was not sure and I dared not ask. I was afraid. Of what, I am not sure. Then my hairdresser replied, "Just take it as it is. We ain't anyone to control fate. We also ain't someone who can reverse anything back to its original state." (I wanted to answer that way too, and by my working experience, insert my personal experience to her too.) As I looked at her at times, she was looking very worried. Her eyes, her face, her body language. She was mentally unguarded. She was mentally naked for a huge attack! I understood so very much how it feels. I left, without making any changes after I paid my hairdresser.

Now, it bothers me. Why didn't I reach out? Perhaps, it was because of such curiosity which made my mother's siblings thought that I was a busy body. This was the price I paid when I ask too many things. It hurts. Deep down. An act of ~~kindness~~ curiosity, which was intended to bond with my family members was mistaken for an act of nosiness. >>Mom, you were there when this happened. You knew how I felt, for sure.

Yesterday, in Pasar Malam. 6.50pm.
This hell bothered me even more. I was walking in the street, so hurriedly to buy granny and my dinner, because my Music class was at 7.30pm. I hate to rush, especially anything within a half hour range activity! I was walking hurriedly and I heard a small boy. Lost. "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?" he voice crescendoed after each word. I walked past him, pretended that I did not hear anything. What the fuck was I doing? I should have helped him find his mom. In my head right now, I am pretty worried for that kid, although again I know it was a lost cause for worrying now. I hope God helped him out, and of course the lady in the saloon too. I can't help but to regret, although I know regret is not going to do any good. I still did, somehow.

This is the second time, consecutively, I did not choose to hear my inner voice.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Disclaimer: Pardon me, readers, I was unable to content that foul word to myself as I was rather angry with myself.

Pop!

2011-09-09T15:50:00.000+08:00

Small updates, people. Let me tell you about my orchestra. It is postponed to 23/10. This means we have more time to practice!

Okay, here's the second one and this is the main intention of writing today. After I've read books about Mitch Albom, I've learnt so much from everything and the best lesson for me was in The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Ruby told Eddie, "Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm me do, we do to ourselves. Forgive..." And I felt that God was talking to me from this line, in the form of a book happened to be "The Five People..." which I borrowed from Mom last week.

God is good. He plans everything and we are simply following up. It just takes time until you hear Him speaking to you. This is one of the lines I felt that He was talking to me and I am convinced right now, being a deist, doesn't quite differ from being a Buddhist, Taoist, Christian, Muslim or whatsoever. It brought me closer to God and I am rather willing enough to drop everything I have, to go with Him. I believe He has great journey for me in the future! To whom it may concern: You don't have to worry about me. This is not Satan. I know, just like how you know God spoke to you. And so, I did this:

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.